New Relationships and reasonable expectations.
When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a new relationship, many of us do so with unreasonable expectations. For instance how a person should look and act, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. Often these are unreasonable expectations and may be based on your family history, influence of your peer groups, your past relationships, or even relationships portrayed in movies and on television. Many unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel unfulfilling.
Consider what you want and your real needs
Distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are optional, needs really shouldn’t be.
Wants include things like chemistry, intelligence, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits seem crucially important at first, over time you’ll often find that you’re significantly limiting your options. For example, it may be more important to find someone who is:
- Creative rather than a genius. Creative people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are book smart may languish intellectually if they lack creativity.
- Sensual rather than sexy.
- Compassionate rather than gorgeous or handsome.
- Adorable rather than glamorous.
- Hardworking rather than wealthy.
- From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific area or financial background.
Needs are different then wants in that needs are those qualities that matter most to you, such as values, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by seeing them on a social media site, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick date at a noisy bar or restaurant.
What feels right to you?
When looking for your soul mate, forget what you may have pictured in your imagination, forget what you think should be right, and forget what your family, friends, siblings, or other people think is right, and ask yourself. “Does this individual feel right for me?” Be open minded and allow yourself to see an alternative new future for yourself; then you’ve already written.
Dating tip 1- Be Open Minded
Don’t make your search for a relationship an obsession. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, your fitness, your relationships with your family and friends. Focus on keeping yourself happy and you will be a more attractive person when you do meet someone special.
Remember that first impressions may be misleading, especially when it comes to a crush or “Love at first site”. Despite immediate attractions love takes time. To really get to know a potential partner you have to experience being with that individual in many different situations. For example, how well does she / he respond when things don’t go as planned, or when they’re sick, tired, or frustrated?
Be honest about your own issues. Everyone has issues, and for a relationship to last, you want someone to love you unconditionally, not the person they want you to be, or the person they think you should be. What you consider an imperfection may actually be something another person finds cute or adorable. By being yourself, you’ll encourage honesty and ownership of your human side, which can lead to less anxiety, and a more fulfilling relationship.
Tip 2- Be genuine and authentic
Dating can be stressful. It’s only natural to worry about how you’ll come across and whether or not your date will want to continue dating you. But no matter how shy or anxious you feel, you can overcome your nerves and self-consciousness and forge great connections. Never self medicate or drink too much on your dates. Be honest if you are nervous and share with your date that you are excited about the opportunity the relationship is presenting and how you feel.
Listen as much or more than you speak. To deal with your first-date anxiety (if any) focus your attention on what your date is saying and doing not what’s going on around you, or on your internal thoughts. Staying fully present in the “NOW” will help keep your mind off any anxiety or personal insecurities.
Be inquisitive. When you’re truly interested in someone else’s opinions and experiences, stories, and comments, it shows—and they’ll like you even more for reflecting on their stories. You’ll come across as far more attractive and interesting than if you spend your time trying to prove you’re worthy. And if you aren’t genuinely interested in what your date is saying, there’s little point in pursuing the relationship.
Be authentic. Showing interest in others can’t be faked even if orgasms can. If you’re just pretending to listen, your date will pick up on it subconsciously. No one likes to be manipulated or placated. Rather than helping you connect and make a good impression, your efforts will most likely work against you. If you aren’t genuinely interested in your date, there is little point in pursuing the relationship.
NO TEXTING DURING YOUR DATE. You can’t truly pay attention or create a real connection when you’re texting other people. Subliminal communications like gestures, expressions, and other visual eye access cues tell us more about another person. Ninety percent of what we communicate is through expression and visual cues.
Tip 3- Put a priority on having fun
Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to expand your social circles and participate in fun events. Make having fun your focus. By pursuing activities you enjoy and putting yourself in new networks, you’ll meet new people who share similar interests and hobbies.
Tips for finding fun activities and like-minded people:
- Do something you have never done before like a professional photo shoot.
- Take a new course at a local college or local chamber of commerce.
- Take up a new hobby like photography or dancing.
- Go on hikes and long walks where you can ground yourself with nature and beaches.
- Go to book signings and events at the local library.
- Volunteer for local charities and attend annual galas.
- Attend local food and wine tasting events or art gallery openings.
- Add new social media contacts who are single and you are attracted to and see what events they are going to.
Tip 4- Be prepared for rejection
We all love to be chosen, to win, to be picked when we raise our hands in a classroom as children, but we all have to deal with rejection. Both as the person rejected and the person rejecting. It’s an inevitable part of the process of elimination, and dating. By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less intimidating. The key is to accept rejection as part of the process, and be ready for it when you least expect it. Don’t FLIP OUT… just be cool and go home and watch a movie and call a friend, you’re going to be fine.
Handling rejection when dating
Take every date as a Chapter of Love and a growth experience. Don’t review everything you did or did not do on your date and analyze it over and over. If you find that the same thing happens over and over, take some time to reflect on how you relate to others, and any adjustments you could make to improve how you relate to others. Then let it go. Dealing with rejection in a healthy way to be self aware and take constructive criticism.
Acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to feel rejected, maybe resentful, and disappointed. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings without beating yourself up.
Tip 5- Warning signs during dating
Warning signs are behaviors that may indicate a relationship is not going to lead to healthy communication or a long term relationship. Trust your inner voice and pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel. If you tend to feel insecure, ashamed, or unappreciated, it may be time to reconsider.
Common relationship warning signs:
The relationship is alcohol dependent. You only communicate well, laugh, talk, make love, when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
There’s trouble making a commitment. For some people commitment is much more difficult than for others. Some people are wounded and suffering from unresolved feelings from previous relationships or an unstable childhood.
Loss of interest and intentional distractions. Instead of wanting to spend time with you, the other person’s attention is on other things like constant texting or social media messaging.
Jealousy concerning outside interests. One partner doesn’t like when the other spends time with friends and people of the opposite sex. Even when those relationships are plutonic or have existed for years or longer.
The relationship is completely sexual. If your relationship is based 100% on chemistry and sexual activity at some point it will implode.
No quality alone time. Your partner only wants to go out when you are with friends or a specific group of people. If there’s no desire to even get into the bedroom or be alone, that is a real warning sign.
Tip 6- Trusting Relationships
Trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship romantic or otherwise. Trust is earned over time and does not happen overnight. Trust develops when reliability and consistency are demonstrated. However, if you’re someone with trust issues—someone who’s been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, you may want to ask your dating coach or matchmaker about your relationship and keep a dating coach available for advice. If you know you are overly fearful than it may also be wise to seek the services of a licensed therapist.
Tip 7- Chapters Of Love™
Finding love is a journey and some relationships will last longer than others. Enjoy each chapter of love and know that you can take the love with you even if the relationship does not last a lifetime. In todays modern society it’s challenging to find love. Keep a journal and write about each chapter of love and remember love does not have to last a lifetime to provide beautiful memories and cherished time spent together.
Successful Chapters Of Love™
Invest in Each Chapter of Love™. Relationships need time and attention to be successful, when you find a potential match that you have chemistry with and you think may be your soul mate, invest in each other. Explore activities you enjoy together and commit to spending the time to have fun even when you have limited time.
Be honest about your feelings. No one can read minds or predict the future, so share how you feel. When you and your date feel comfortable expressing your needs, fears, desires, the emotional bonds between you will become stronger and deeper and foster an honest relationship.
Never take the gloves off when arguing. No couple makes it through life over time without having differences and arguing. Making up after those arguments is what adds to the bonds between partners. You both need to feel safe to express how you feel without your partner humiliating you or attacking you. NEVER take the gloves off. Always treat your partner with respect and embrace your differences without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on always being right.
Change is the only thing about love that we can predict. All relationships change over time. What you want from a relationship at the beginning may be completely different from what you and your partner want a few years later. For instance your feelings about having more children or even your first child, adoption, careers, even how you desire physical love and how often. Accepting change in a healthy relationship should not only make you happier, but also make your relationship stronger. No one can predict how they will feel in the future or how long love will last, not even artificial intelligent quantum computers. So be open to change and work with your partner. And if for any reason you find that there is an un-negotiable road block, move on to your next Chapter of Love with gratitude and compassion.
Contact us and register for a one hour free consultation and interview. We’d love to help. You do not have to be lonely any more. Let our matchmakers work with you to help you find your soulmate or next chapter of love.
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